Fanfiction
by Super Nintendo Power
Summary: Orochimaru reads a SasuOro fanfic, and gets quite angry. He tells Sasuke to troll. The rest of Konoha will be inspired to write their own fanfics.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: After reading several fics with the same general idea, I've decided to write my own. That's right; Naruto and crew are going to be trying to put a stop to horrible fan fiction. Of course, it's not really a mission… more like a personal vendetta. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Sasuke, or any of the other Naruto characters. Sasuke's attitude about shitty fanfiction is my design, however.

Let's go.

I present…

**Fanfiction**

………………………………………….

Prolouge: Dim Sun

……………………………………………

Orochimaru, being the most badass member of the Sannin, knew from the beginning about fan fiction. And only now was it beginning to piss him off.

"Those… perverted… Pedophiles!" Orochimaru exploded, not being able to find a better word. "Kabuto!"

Orochimaru's right-hand man (And NOT sex-slave) immediately walked in.

"Yes, Orochimaru-sama?" He asked.

"Bring me Sasuke. There's something I need to tell him."

"Right away sir."

……………………………………

Sasuke walked in, looking bored.

"You called, master?"

"Yes." Orochimaru said, looking pleased. "You know about fanfiction . Net right?"

"Yes."

"Then you know about the idiots on that site, right?"

"Yes."

"I'm giving you an extremely important assignment." Orochimaru tossed him a book. "Trolling."

"Excuse me?"

"Your job, is to read that book, and make a Narutofied version of it."

"This book… _Twilight?" _ Sasuke read the cover. "Deeply seductive… Twilight is a love story with bite. It sounds interesting…"

"Wait until you read the book."

Sasuke read 3 pages.

"Wait… what the hell is this?"

"It's a Mary-Sue. And a Self-Insert. I'm not sure how it got out of FF . Net, but it was probably because the publisher was on crack."

"This… is pathetic." Sasuke said as he flipped through the pages. "Where are the badass vampires? The Cullens are pussys. Why are Edward and Bella sitting in a meadow in a town that never stops raining? You get bugs. And…" Sasuke's eyes widened. "What the hell! Vampires don't sparkle!"

"Trolling essentially is making fun of something." Orochimaru explained. "What I want you to do, is go on FF . Net, and write a one-shot about this book."

"Doesn't sound too hard…" Sasuke murmured, still flipping through the pages. "Nothing ever happens…"

"I also want you to bash the people who actually write pedophiliacs."

"Why?"

"They think I molest you."

"Ew." Sasuke said with a look of disgust. "Well, I'll get cracking on it then."

……………………………

Sasuke went to his room, and booted his computer.

"Let's see…" Sasuke muttered; as he began too type…

……………………………………….

**Dim Sun**

**By: Bolero of Vengence**

**Summary: A bitchy girl moves to Konoha, and immediately falls in love with the hottest guy available. Twilight parody. Oh, and this guy is a vampire. Script-form, because Meyer deserves to be made fun of. Rated because that's the age group Meyer got, despite the fact it's an adult book. **

**Rated: T **

**Romance/ Humor **

Twilight, in just about 1/1000 of the time wasted.

Cast

Naruto: Edward

Sasuke: Mike

Sakura: Jessica

Hinata: Stephenie Meyer

Kiba: Jacob

Megagamer200: Eric

Hiashi: Charlie

Hinata's mom: Renee

Ino: Rosalie

Chouji: Emmett

Gaara: Jasper

Alice: Orochimaru (XD)

Kyuubi: Chuck Norris

Carlisle: Jiariya (Lol)

Esme: Tsunade (Double Lol)

Renessmee: The Loch Ness monster (Because Breaking Dawn sucks ass!)

James: Akatsuki Leader

Victoria: Akatsuki leaders apparent girlfriend

Itachi: Killed by Sasuke, in the manga. Take that, Itachi fangirls!

Dracula: Oh wait, he's a real vampire. He doesn't sparkle.

Angela: Seriously, who gives a damn about her?

Tyler: his van (Go Team Tyler's Van!)

Laurent: It's not like he did anything, anyway. He just ran off. Wuss.

Bitchy Fangirls: Already hitting the review button to flame me. Get a life, and a boyfriend. Losers.

Let's start this thing.

……………………………………………

Hinata: Oh I'm soooo miserable. My mom got a bastard of a new boyfriend, so now I'm just going to try and make the reader feel sorry for me. Waaahhh-"

Hinata's Mom: Bye!

Hinata: But… you didn't ask me to stay!

Hinata's mom: You want to go, don't you?

Hinata: … (Gets on plane)

Hinata's Mom: Bye daughter, and heeeellllloooo sex life!

Later

Hiashi: Hello Daughter who thinks I'm a loser. Hop in my car, and I'll take you to your new home!

Hinata: Sure. Whatever.

Hiashi: (Drives, and tries to make small talk with Hinata)

Hiashi: I'm going to help you pick out a car. Since Stephenie Meyer apparently thinks women shouldn't think for themselves that constitutes to me picking one out for you!

Hinata: (Stares at Truck) It's really cool. But since I'm such a bitch, I'm going to complain about gas mileage.

Hiashi: Okay, sure. School starts tomorrow.

Hinata: But I'm a freaking genius! I've done everything! I've done so much; they had to put college level courses in last year!

Hiashi: Good thing you moved. Now scat.

Hinata: (Goes up to her room, bitches about that, then falls asleep.)

Hinata: (Gets up) Urrghhh… today's going to suck. (She leaves, gets in her truck, and goes to school… without asking for directions. She makes it. Fucking Mary-Sue.)

Hinata: (Goes up to Secretary) Now, where's my schedule? Give it to me, before I bitch about how much this school system sucks.

Secretary: You didn't tell me your name… Bitch.

Hinata: Stephenie Mey- Errr… Hinata Hyuuga.

Secretary: There ya go. (Hands schedule)

Hinata: (reads) But… I've done all this shit before! I'm bitching about this!

Secreatary: See what I care.

Hinata: (Leaves, then notices a SHINY SILVER VOLVO. HINT HINT) Time to go to… Building three. (Goes to Building three)

Balding guy: You're the new girl? Well, nice to meet you.

Hinata: Your class sucks. I've already read everything. Shakespeare, Bronte, Chaucer, Faulkner…

Balding guy: So what? Your just a another one of those bitchy Mary-Sues. Only difference is that you're published. What happened, your publisher on crack?

Hinata: No, I slept with him.

Balding guy: …

(Bell rings)

Hinata: (Notices a ugly boy walking towards her, since she's such a bitch, she immediately hates him, because he's ugly. Trust me, Meyer is that shallow)

Megagamer; Hey, I'm Megagamer200. I don't play a big role in the plot, just to point out that the people of Phoenix have much better taste than the people of Forks… Oops. That isn't where this story is taking place. Haha… Anyway, May I walk you to your next class?

Hinata: Can it, bitch.

Megagamer: Now that was just plain rude. If Stephenie didn't want every damn guy after you, I'd have given up on you already, because that was just plain unnecessary. Haven't you ever heard of "No, thank you?"

Hinata: Yes. It's what the use in shitty love stories. Now go away.

Megagamer: But you're a shitty love story.

Hinata: GO AWAY!!!

Megagamer: What's with the caps lock? Damn, Stephenie, you're almost as bad as your fans!

Hinata: (Leaves, and then Stephenie is vague about where she goes next, because she's a poor author)

Random girl: Oh hey! My name is- (Censored, because Stephenie is so damn lazy, she only gave three of her 'friends' names.

Hinata: Fuck off.

Random girl: Want to sit with me at lunch? Despite the fact you're being a total bitch to me?

Hinata: Sure… Bitch. (They go to Lunch, and they see the Cullens)

Hinata: Who are those guys?

Sakura: Which guys?

Hinata: The pale ones, who aren't eating anything.

Sakura: They're the cullens. They are extremely anti-social.

Hinata: Like Megagamer?

Sakura: No. These guys are actually cool.

Megagamer: I resent that!

Hinata: Who's the hot blonde one?

Sakura: That's Ino-

Hinata: The guy.

Sakura: Errr… Naruto. Yeah, Naruto.

Naruto: (Impersonating Sasuke by being all Emo… then glares at Hinata.

Hinata: That glare... We're going to get married!

Sakura: Don't get your hopes up. He doesn't date.

Hinata: Fast marriage?

Sakura: Nope.

Hinata: One night stand?

Sakura: Nope.

Hinata: Is he the most desireable man, ever?

Sakura: Nope.

Hinata: (Bitchslaps her) Take that bitch! (Goes to Biology, Naruto just happens to be sitting next to the only empty seat.)

Naruto: …

Hinata: Oh, Naruto, you're so sexy, we could make a cult for you!

Naruto: … (His eyes are blue… HINT HINT)

Hinata: You love me too, don't you?

Naruto: … (His eyes are Red… HINT HINT)

Hinata: Did your eyes just change color?

Naruto: …. (HINT HINT)

Teacher: All right class, today we'll cut ourselves like emos.

Naruto: Uhhhh… I can't stay. I have a… uhhhh.. Backache?

Hinata: Your voice is so sexy, I'll give you a massage!

Naruto: … (Leaves)

Hinata: Why'd you just let him go?

Teacher: He's graduated High school a bunch of times; it's on his permanent record, so we don't make him stay.

Hinata: What the… He must be even more of a freaky genius than me!

Teacher: Actually, he was born in 1901. (HINT HINT) It's on his permanent record.

Megagamer: Haha, another Loophole Stephenie didn't cover!

Teacher: Leave, and never come back to this fanfic again!

Everyone: You suck, because you have opinions!

Megagamer: Sheesh, it's just like the Lexicon… (Leaves)

Teacher: All right, ignoring the bashing of dumbass twihards, who can tell me-

Hinata: Oh Naruto, How I am in love with you, your beautiful face, your… beautiful face-

Sasuke: Yeah, well, he's a dead-last.

Hinata: Excuse me?

Sasuke: You heard me.

Hinata: How can you insult him like that? I LOVE him.

Sasuke: Yeah, well, you're a shallow bitch.

Hinata: You're mean!

Sasuke: And you're Stephenie. See what I care. (Leaves)

(Bell Rings)

Hinata: (Goes to Gym, bitchs about that because Stephenie needs to have a protangist that doesn't kick ass in sports because she has every damn guy after her in school. It's apparently to make her seem less like a sue. Yeah, well, I see the bitch underneath your damn glazing Meyer.)

Hinata: I suck at sports…

Coach: Well, stop being such a bitch about it, and get some friends!

Hinata: I can't, because Meyer is intentionally making me a 'teenage outcast.'

Coach: What? Is shrugging off all the people who try to be friends with you, make you an outcast? No, it makes you a bitch.

Hinata: The people in this town are idiots.

Coach: Shut up Stephenie.

Hinata: (Ditchs class, because she's a bitch who would rather become a vampire than go to college… fuck the easy way, Meyer!)

Hinata: (Goes to the unnamed Secretary, to find Naruto, ranting.)

Naruto: Get me out of the class. I love her, but I must be far away.

Secretary: Oh yeah, that makes sense. But I can't do that, even though you convince the administrators in the epilogue so you can have all your classes with Stephenie.

Megagamer: Plot Hole!

Secretary: Shut up.

Naruto: Oh yeah, really witty, but remember bitch, we have fangirls.

Secretary: Just shut up and leave.

Naruto: (Passes Hinata) Hey girl whose name I still don't know who I'm apparently in love with at first sight. (leaves)

Hinata: … (Leaves in a daze)

Sakura: Hey, Hinata, want to look at dresses for the dance later?

Hinata: Sure why not.

Sakura: That was OOC. You on crack?

Hinata: Naruto… looked at me.

Sakura: Not again…

Hinata: Anyway, it's not like anybody's going to ask me out anyway.

Sakura: Enough with the 'Bella doesn't think she's attractive' joke. Anyway, no one can ask you out, because it's a girl's choice.

Megagamer: Actually, that's not true. Meyer is apparently sooooooo anti-feminist (Under the guise of Anti-Human) that she has herself get asked out by three different guys. Who she turns down rudefully.

Hinata: Why aren't you?

Megagamer: Asking you out? Because dating someone's 17 year old 'perfect' version of themselves is stupid. Now, a girl who isn't a Necrophiliac… maybe.

Hinata: You're ugly, so you can't find Twu Luv.

Megagamer: Maybe not, but I'll sure as hell try.

Sakura: Hinata, enough with the Meyer logic. Megagamer…. Just leave.

Megagamer: Sure. (Leaves)

Hinata: He's a little bastard. (Walks out in the street)

Tyler's van: Finally! Die Bitch! (Moves himself forward)

Naruto: No! I love her! (Throws himself in front of Hinata, he gets run over, and they both die.

Sasuke: So ends the Tragedy of Naruto and Hinata.

End

Sasuke grinned as he submitted his story unto the site.

"Take that…" Sasuke whispered.

……………………………………………..

Sakura was randomly browsing through FF . Net looking for romance.

Then she found Bolero of Vengence's story **Dim Sun.**

"What the…" Sakura muttered as she scanned the pages. "This is… pretty good. I think I'll review…"

**Reviews 6**

**Dim Sun**

_CherryBlossoms: Even though you were obviously looking to get flamed, I found your story very enjoyable. Much better than Twilight itself. I wish it wasn't in script form though, script fan-fics are against the guidelines. You could get your story deleted. I also wish it could have focused a little more on Sasuke and Sakura's relationship… but since Twilight is all about Edward and Bella's Twu Luv' I found your subtlety very enjoyable. _

_Megagamer200: What the… Why the hell am I in this? Anyway, great story. I wish you made fun of Meyer's annoying habit of making Bella use big words to make her seem smarter._

_Ramenhokage: What is this fic making fun of exactly? I don't get it…_

_MinuetofLove: SCREEEEEHHH! How dar U mak fun of deh bibl! I'l sic Edwad on UuuuuuuuUuuuuuu!_

_Icy Feminist: Interesting… I must say I was thinking about reading this book… but you have convinced me otherwise. Great job._

_Chuck Norris: What? Why am I being compared to a Pokemon? You better hope I don't find you boy, or I'll roundhouse you into next week! You didn't even make fun of Meyer's inability to do research! You suck! I never want to see you writing again!_


	2. Twu Luv

A/N: Sorry to all Hinata fans…

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Or any My Immortal references.

………………………………………………………

Chapter 1:

We aer so in lvoe!

…………………………………………………………

Hinata, due to the lack of Naruto not being around, was… writing fanfiction.

"Naruto-Kun… will… you ever notice me?" Hinata wondered aloud, as she typed.

**By: NARUHINA4EVAH!**

**Title: We are so in lvoe! **

**Summary: Wel, basically Hinata si a kickas shinobi who fals in love wit Naruto and crap… I suck at summaries! **

**Rated: M**

**Romance/Action/Adventure**

Yeh, so Hinata is wakling dwon teh stret, and all deh guys are faninting cuz she's so hot! Oh yeh, I forgot to describe hre! Seh's realy sexah! Anywya, she ignors them all cuz there al pervets.

Seh gos insid Ichiraku's ramne sohp and se's Naruto.

"Hinata!" He caled, "I jus realized Sakara si a sult! I lvoe u!"

"O Naruto, I lvoe you too!" Seh cried. "Let's get married!"

"Oh no! It's taht bicth, Sakara!" Naruto scraemed. "Svae me, Hinata!"

"Dei!" Hinata strcuk the bicth in the chest where her non-existant boobs were.

"Yeh! Your awesome, Hinata!"

20 years later

Hinata and Naruto hvae lik, 69 childern becuz tehy THAT SEXY! Naruto si teh Hokage, and Hinata's the kicass Hyuuga hed. The end.

…………………………………………………

Hinata looked proudly at her piece of 'work.'

"I've got to run this to the site!"

……………………………………………………

**By: Chuck Norris**

**Title: Bolero of Vengeance, you're going to die**

**Summary: See title.**

**Rating: M, for extreme violence, gore, and the awesomeness of Chuck Norris**

**Tragedy/parody**

I, being the hard-working man that I am, have to beat the crap out of nerds that make fun of me. Recently, this includes people such as Megagamer200 and Bolero of Vengeance. Both are idiots. Megagamer has me beating the crap out of ninjas, and Bolero compared me to a Pokemon. Well, no more. I will hunt the both of you down!

Since I'm actually Chuck Norris, and not some nerd impersonating him, I found Bolero in a heartbeat, in the middle of a pedophiles secret base.

"For the last damn time, I don't moonwalk!" The master of this base screamed. I ignored him.

I found the sad little man sitting at a computer, writing an OcSaku fanfics.

"Yes, Sakura. Sasuke isn't good enough for you, Give me your-"

"Noob!" I scream, at kick him.

"ARGH!" He died.

In all my awesomeness, if you report me, I'll roundhouse you to the constellation 'Hercules.' Thank you.

End.

Sasuke blinked as he read of the guy who 'said' he was Chuck Norris.

"I guess he doesn't realize I wrote that…" Sasuke muttered. I guess I'll review…

_4 Reviews for: Bolero of Vengeance, you're going to die_

_Bolero of Vengeance: Okay, Chuck, hunt me down. I dare you. Your story sucks. Admit it._

_Megagamer200: That's… sort of scary. I'm scared now. I'll stop injecting you in, I swear!_

_Minuet of Love: SCREEEEEEEEEHHHHHH!!!_

_Edward Cullen: Who is this, 'Bolero of Vengeance?' I'm interested in what he did to piss you off, no offence._

………………………………………

After a long day at the hospital, Sakura was finally back on FF . net.

"Let's see… What the hell?"

The story was called 'We aer so in lvoe' and it sucked ass. Sakura prepared to flame… hard.

_4 Reviews for_: _We aer so in lvoe!_

_CherryBlossoms: Okay, this is stupid. For many reasons. First off, Sakura is not a slut. No matter how many of you bitchy fan girls say that she is. Second, Naruto respects Hinata as a friend, but nothing more. The barely have any chemistry. I don't think they'll be a good couple…_

_Minuet of Love: YAY! A quilty fci! NejiTen nex?_

_Megagamer200: Naruto wouldn't just say that. Also, your grammer is horrible. Use the shitty spellcheck._

_RamenHokage: If she would just open up, then maybe…_

………………………………………………

**By: Weasel-Sama**

**Title: Story of My Life…**

**Summary: A short one shot depicting one ninja's reason for fighting… Anoymous angst.**

**Rated: T**

**Romance/ Angst**

I was a genius.

The greatest genius to ever come out of my clan.

A 'prodigy' they called me, and still they do, even though I have committed the most vile of sins…

After my orders were received, I wondered why I should continue my existence after this. If I obeyed my orders, down to the last line, my village would be saved.

I didn't mind doing it. They didn't matter to me.

Only Three people ever meant anything to me.

First was my best friend. He chose to side with our clan to take down the Hokage. I chose to side with the Hokage. We argued. We fought. We spilt blood.

I killed him.

Next was someone who could have been like me… but I never allowed it.

They wanted him to be like me. They treated him the same, until they realized…

I had told him.

I had told him how being a genius would kill your childhood, and he had listened. He was saved, so he could be happy… unlike me.

Third, and most important, the only reason why I don't end my life here…

Her.

I met her soon after I had graduated from the Ninja acadmy. My team already realized I was superior to them, despite my age. My sensei had taken us out for ramen…

"Hello." She said to me. I simply nodded… I had hardly ever associated with children my own age.

She was about my age, maybe a little younger.

"You're a ninja?" She asked me. I nodded.

"Why?" She asked. "Why are you fighting so young? I can't even be considered for the academy yet."

"I… am a prodigy." I answered stiffly.

"Are you happy?" The question caught me unawares: I stared at her in surprise. No one, No one, had ever questioned my happiness.

"I am to-"

"Not what they tell you." She said, her voice soft. "What your heart says."

"I… truly don't know." I hung my head down.

She smiled.

"Just do what you think is right, okay?"

"I'll… do that." I answered weakly. To my sensei, I told him with a straight face: "I'm not hungry. I'll be going home now."

With one last look at her, I left.

…………………………………………………

Such wisdom… coming from a child. It… touched me, somehow. She had looked past eh Shinobi my parents had bred me to be, instead looking at the lonely soul within.

I kept going back, just to talk to her.

It wasn't until I was nine that a stray thought hit me: "Was I in love?"

I shook my head. 'A shinobi cannot love.' I told myself. 'We are tools. Bonds are weaknesses. A weak tool has to be replaced.'

For some reason, I wanted to be replaced.

…………………………………..

We began dating. I was so happy… Truly, I thought, this is love.

Then I received my orders.

………………………………………

These three… After I had committed my sin, One was dead, one was scarred for life, and one was heartbroken.

One day… I will return to you.

I promise…

I will return to you…

My most precious person.

……………………………………………….

_Reviews for: Story of my Life_

_Bolero of Vengeance: Very, Very, sad. I feel bad for whoever this is about. I feel for you, man._

_Edward Cullen: Pretty good Angst. Except I'm not sure who this fic is about… _

_Megagamer200: Genius. I know who you're talking about. I love this pairing. Too bad he's dead, and nobody cares about her… Kudos to a genius author!_

_RamenHokage: I don't know what this is about… Then again, I never liked angst. Yay for the ramen!_

_CherryBlossoms: Sad. It's too short though… I like romance to be drawn out. _

_Slothboy: What a bore… I wish you included more details… I'm going to take a nap._

_Minuet of Love: I dont undrestadn… _

_Kingofperverts: What? Where's the sex scene? _

……………………………………………………

**By: Megagamer200 **

**Title: Shortest. Story. Ever.**

**Summary: This summary is longer than the story. Rated for idiocy.**

**Rated: T**

**Humor**

Sasuke died violenty.

…………………………..

_Reviews for: Shortest. Story. Ever_

_Weasel-Sama: Who kills him? Why? How'd he die? Descriptions are nice, dumbass._

_Bolero of Vengeance: Like anyone could kill Sasuke. Your just trolling now, aren't you?_

…………………………………………………

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"What the hell is this?" Sakura asked in disbelief, as she read something by Minuet of Love.

The 'story' was about a 'normal' teenaged girl who fell in love… with Edward Cullen. Obviously, she was a self-insert. And no, we're not talking about Twilight.

"I mean, it's the exact same thing, just… with a different girl. Unorignal freaks…"

_100 reviews for: Twu lvoe_

_Cherry Blossoms: Your pathetic. _

_Reply to CherryBlossoms: From Minuet of Love: Fuck you!_

_Megagamer: You're a really bad writer. I'm not even going to try to help you. _

_RE: Fuck you!_

_Edward Cullen: … I'm going to edge away from you._

_RE: MINE! _

_Bolero of Vengeance: Oh come on, Read my fic, I dare you._

_RE: FUCK YOU! And your fic sucks!_

_Weasel-Sama: Sad. Just sad. Much like SMeyers little wet dream… Except you don't have a publisher to correct all your mistakes._

_RE: Don't make fun of my religion, bitch!_

_Slothboy: …_

_RE: Fuck you!_

_Chuck Norris: This is a poor Fanfic… I'm going to have to roundhouse you for that._

_RE: FUCK YOU!_

_RE of the RE (Chuck): You're going to regret that…_

………………………………………………………

A/N: I'm sorry it's shorter, but… I kinda don't know who to write next! Ahahahahaha…


	3. Hp Crossover?

Chapter 2

What the… A Harry Potter crossover?

…………………………………………

"Oh great. It's another HP crossover." Sasuke muttered as he browsed through the Naruto section in FF . Net. "What is it this time? Under 100 words? YAOI? NejiHina? Poor grammer? NejiHina? YAOI? Repitiveness sucks, kids!"

Sasuke opened the fanfic.

"Oh wow… it's pretty long… and a SasuSaku. Finally!"

**By: Lord Voldemort**

**Title: War**

**Summary: Harry Potter is now the Dark Lord, ruling over the Wizarding world with an iron fist. Of course, the Shinobi are pissed… SasuSaku.**

**Rating: M**

**Action/Adventure/Romance**

"My name is Harry Potter, the Dark Lord of Britain! And soon, the world! Die you pathetic Mercenary scum!"

"Yeah!" All the wizarding soldiers screamed, and charged at the village of Konoha.

Who else should fight against these wizarding bastards, then the second greatest nin Konoha has ever seen?

"Uchiha-Sama, these wizards seem to be able to move almost as fast as the Yondaime was once reported."

Sasuke opened his eyes.

"It's not the same thing. These people defy logic. We're stronger than them, but they have all sorts of shit. It also doesn't help we don't know anything about them… Potter may be trying to fake us out by making us think he's stronger than he really is."

"What do we do?"

"I can tell these wizards may be able to travel great distances quickly, there reactions are horrible. Let's try to get the ones who seem to be teleporting around, they are the most dangerous to us."

"Lord Uchiha!" Another ninja came running up. "There are six giant men heading towards the village! They're twenty feet tall, at least!"

"Giants." Sasuke nodded. "I'll take care of it."

Sasuke, being the badass that he is, immediately shunsined to the top of the wall of Konoha.

"Since they're just shooting spells at us, they can't keep up with us physically. Otherwise they would have teleported up here by now. Where are the giants?"

"Over there sir." The soldier said, trying to hide his surprise at the lord's sudden arrival.

"Allright." Sasuke made several handseals, and suddenly…

Poof!

He was standing on the Kickass King of Snakes head.

……………………………………

"Holy mother #&*(9!" A wizard cursed.

"Hmmm.. is that… a Basilisk?" Harry Wondered aloud.

"Talk to it lord!" Blaise Zabini (One of Harry's Death Eaters) Encouraged.

"**WHAT THE FUCK SASUKE! HOW DARE YOU SUMMON ME WITHOUT PREPARING SACRIFICES!"**

"…" All the Death Eaters had looks of shock upon their faces.

"What?" Harry asked, looking around. "What happened?" Getting pissed that no one gave him answer, he probed their minds using Legimancy….

"It can speak English." He said flatly.

……………………………………..

"I'm sorry, Manda." Sasuke said politely, "But you can eat-"

"**I refuse to eat wizards! They taste like dog shit!" **

"How was I supposed to know that?" Sasuke demanded, seriously losing his cool. "You never mention what you like to eat, and it pisses me off."

"**Well, I-"Suddenly**, Manda heard the tongue of the Snake! Parseltounge!

"**Hiss… It's a descendant of one of my old Summoners, Salazar! I hoped his kind would have died out… Fine. I'll fight for you. Now let's go!"**

……………………..

"Holy shit!"

The giant Snake had launched itself over to where Harry and Co. were sitting. Of course, being the badass he is, Harry immediately apparated out of there. The Death Eaters, however, were not so lucky. Manda had swallowed six of them whole in one bite, and was busy devouring the others.

"Manda! The Giants!"

"**Hmmmmm… they look good…" **Manda practically drooled, before launching himself toward the giants.

……………………………………

Harry's army was practically decimated, so he decided to order a retreat. However…

"UGH!" Harry gurgled, as the mysterious figure strangled him. "Wh-who are you?" He gasped out."

The figure smiled.

"I am Orochimaru, Rokudaime Hokage of Konoha!"

End Sasuke's reading.

"Okay, that was weird…" Sasuke murmured before looking for another fic.

"What's this?"

**By: Edward Cullen**

**Title: My Defeat**

**Summary: Everyone thought the vampires were unstoppable, but they were wrong.**

**Rating: M**

**Romance/Tragedy**

"No…" I gasp out, as his unstoppable barraged of attacks eventually struck me in the heart… his attack used energy at the fingertips, usually used to strike internal organs. This time, however, he had struck me trying to restart me heart…

It doesn't make any sense to me, but Meyer claims that the vampire heart stops when He/She is 'turned.' Which basically means I'm dead. (Cough Bella'sanecrophilliac cough)

However, this guy, with his gorgeous black hair, had outdone me! He… with his technique… had restarted my heart.

Turning me mortal.

"No! Eddie-Kins!" All my fangirls (And Bella) Screamed, but it was too late.

I was a normal, pussy, weak, normal, ugly, normal, guy.

"Nooooooooooo!" I scream dramatically, my oppressor simply grinned. I fell on the floor in a pool of blood… And I was truly dying.

"No… I can't die a virgin!" I shriek. "Why? WHY!"

"Why? I'll tell you why, bitch." The man said, as he leaned down to my face. "The one I care for… she is corrupted by your crappy novels. And now I have to go on the internet, pretending to be you, to get any attention from her at all."

"Who… are you?" I whispered.

He grinned, his sexy black hair (Much cooler than mine, by the way) Blew in the wind. His teeth (Also better than mine… when I was a vampire) glowed white.

"Neji Hyuuga. Now die, bitch!"

End

Sasuke blinked.

"Does that mean… That the author… I guess I'll write a review…

_3 reviews for: My defeat_

_Bolero of Vengeance: I'm all for hating Edward Cullen, (Hope my girl isn't a fan of his, by the way) but having yourself killing him Neji? And I thought you were a jerk when I heard what happened in the prelimnarys. Don't bother denying it, I know it's you. _

_Minuet of Love: What? Neji killed Eddie-kun? I'l impal him wit kuni! RAWR!_

_Megagamer200: Gotta love Neji killing Edward. It was a bit short though. However, I was glad to see… well, Neji killing Edward._

"Where to next…" Sasuke wondered, as he randomly clicked on a story.

**By: KingofPerverts**

**Title: Jiariya… and a Harem! Nuff said.**

**Summary: All the young (Nut not too young) women finally give up on that 107 year old freak Edward Cullen, and go after the real prize… Jiariya!**

**Rating: X**

**Romance/romance/Romance/Romance**

Despite the fact he was too young to read it (And it didn't have any pictures) Sasuke was interested in this story. "Maybe I can use this position with Sakura when I get back…"

_1000000 reviews for: Jiariya… and a Harem! Nuff said._

_Bolero of Vengeance: Despite the fact it's the male version of Twilight, I found this story very enjoyable. If only because I'm going to actually use this stuff later. _

_IchaIchafan1#: (Nosebleed) _

_IchaIchafan2#: (Nosebleed) _

_Megagamer200: No… Mustn't… be… corrupted… ahhhhhhhhh!!! _

_IchaIchasensei: So… amazing… Kakaharem next? With Rin? Please? _

_CherryBlossoms: I hate you people._

_Minuet of Love: Jus lik Edward! B4 neji killed him!_

_Edward Cullen: Hang on… Last time I checked, this site didn't allow explicit stuff like this. I'd report you, but I don't need desperate middle aged men war against the tweens so… yeah, I'll file away some of these positions for later, but other than that, you suck._

_IchaIchafan3#: (Nosebleed)_

_Icy Feminist: What's with all the pedophile jokes about Orochimaru? (reads again) Hang on… you think Zabuza was having sex with Haku? Fuck you! Fuck you and your stupid fantasy dreams! _

_Chuck Norris: Desperate. I might have found this entertaining if I didn't already do it all._

_NARUHINA4EVER: I ned thes positions 4 mah fanfic!_

_RamenHokage: Sensei! This is where you ran off too! All this crap makes me think about Hi- crap! Backspace is busted! '_

_Re from King of Perverts: You suck if you give out personal information like that over the internet. I also sent that review for you to embaress you in front of 10,000 people!_

_Re of the Re from RamenHokage: But nobody reads the reviews except you!_

_Apollo: …Interesting I must admit._

_Weasel-Sama: Crap. Makes me hate my mission even more. Damn you, elders! I should be doing this! Nooooooooooo!!! _

_Sharkbait: … cool!_

_Apollo's Angel: pervert…_

_Boomboomboom!: People think I look like a girl…but I love this fic! Keep going!_

_The Puppet Master: Art. True Art._

_Bledin rists di: if ti weernt 4 mai por emo attudte, id lov dis fic!_

_Founder of the Red Dawn: Meh. I've done more extreme. _

_Scrooge: Well… I've done it all too…_

_Plant guy: …_

…………………………………………………

Sakura really didn't know what to type. She wanted to write a SasuSaku fanfic, but… It wouldn't be the same thing.

"What should I write?" She wondered. "What would perfectly show my feelings?"

………………………………………………

Sasuke also wanted to write a SasuSaku fanfic. However, he also didn't know what to write.

"Damn… might as well…"

**By: Bolero of Vengeance!**

**Title: Dim Sun (Contuined) **

**Summary: Death got tired of Stephenie's constant whining, so he asked me to bring her back to life. Okay, not really, I just got bored and decided to continue writing. Enjoy!**

**Rating: T**

**Romance/ Humor**

In case you forgot… or just didn't care…

Hinata: Stephenie

Naruto: Edward

Sasuke: Mike

Sakura: Jessica

Renesmee: Loch Ness Monster

Chouji: Emmett

Ino: Rosalie

Jiariya: Carlisle, for no good reason. At all.

Tsunade: Esme, also for no reason.

Alice: Orochimaru, because I find her crappy future predictions powers stupid. Basically it's a 'plot' device that Stephenie addresses when she feels like it.

Jasper: Gaara, also for no good reason.

James: Akatsuki Leader

Victoria: Akatsuki's Leader's apparent girlfriend

Laurent: Probably lying dead in a ditch somewhere

Itachi: Dead. Just like Twilight is going to be in a couple of years. OH!

Jacob: Kiba, and off topic, but I wonder if Kiba's going to become such a asshole to Hinata in the near future?

I think that's everyone that anyone particularly cares about…

Notice: Everything is going by pure memory. I can barely stand to even look at that book anymore.

Hinata: Ohhhh…

Jiariya: Oh, your up. Your lucky my 'son' (Hint Hint) brought you to the hospital.

Tyler's van: Ohhhhh…

Jiariya: Shut up! You almost killed Stephenie, so your automatically pegged by the fans as bad!

Van: Ohhhhhh… Okay. Stephenie, I'm just going to spread rumors that I'm taking you to prom to apologise!

Megagamer: That's stupid.

Van: No more stupid than this book.

Jiariya: Okay, Stephenie, you are virtually unharmed…

Megagamer: Mary-Sue…

Jiariya: And all your friends are outside, begging to know if your okay.

Van: That's sweet… Tell them I'm fine.

Jiariya: Nobody cares about you bitch.

Naruto: Haha.

Hinata: Naruto! You saved me…

Naruto: Eh? Oh yeah, of course.

Hinata: Even though you deny it, my heart burns for you!

Naruto: … (Leaves)

Hinata: So mysterious… (Rants about him all the way out of the lobby)

Friends who Stephenie is a complete bitch to: Stephenie! You're all right!

Hinata: Wait, why is everyone here? Shouldn't you be at school?

Sakura: Well, when we heard you go hurt, they called a holiday.

Hinata: I'm virtually unscathed. What about the Van?

Sakura: What van?

(A/N: No, seriously, I'm pretty sure they treat Tyler like this, even though he's the one hurt.)

Hinata: Right… you people are pissing me off, she go away.

Friends: Sure! (Follows Hinata around)

Hinata: … I hate being stalked.

Sasuke: This is immature to say this… but LOL. JK must be Rowling on the floor laughing at your stupidity. "Oh Stephenie Meyer is the best Mary-Sue Slash self insert story evah!" I hate you people.

………………………………………

Hinata: (Goes home, then realizes a few days ago Naruto had disappeared. And she actually cared, despite the fact she had no real reason to give a damn (Line: Belongs to Twilight sucks . com 'abridged' series. It's fricking hilarious.)

Hinata: Why didn't we bring it up before?

Sasuke: We wanted you to get hit by the damn van already! This book doesn't have any plot anyway.

Hinata: It does! Bella and Edward's Twu Luv, and the hardships they have to go through…

Sasuke: What hardships? Everyone survives, they have a freaking half vampire baby, despite the fact it defies the very laws that Meyer set, and nobody dies. Nobody. Oh, and the whole imprinting thing… that's creepy.

Hinata: You're just-

Sasuke: I am not jealous. At all. I'm simply contradicting you almost as bad as Meyer contradicts herself.

Hinata: You're mean!

Sasuke: Yeah, well, you're an idiot.

Hinata: That's it, I'm going on the shopping trip with Sakura!

Sasuke: Who you consistently refer to as a bitch… for no reason.

Megagamer: I just realized. We skipped about 134 pages, and we still got the basic plot down. Take that, Stephenie!

Sasuke: Yes, very clever, but we're not done yet.

Hinata: (Goes on the shopping trip with Sakura… then gets bored, and wanders off. She she's a SHINY SILVER VOLVO Hint Hint, and see's some weird guys. She immediately dislikes them because they look bad, not because they are obviously teenage ciminals )

Rapist: (Tries to rape her)

Hinata: Oh crap. I'm going to try to fight you, even though I can barely walk.

Naruto: (Appears out of nowhere in his SHINY SILVER VOLVO) get in!

Hinata: (Jumps in… without tripping. Mary-Sue.)

Naruto: You were going to fight them? Even though you can barely walk? Wow, Stephenie actually tried to support feminism!

Megagamer: Actually, you just saved her. After this, she becomes hopelessly dependent on you.

Naruto: I know that! I'm just saying that to help me get laid! Now get out of my car!

Megagamer: (Leaves)

Naruto: This may sound creepy, but I was stalking you.

Hinata: Creepy? Oh no, it's romantic.

Sasuke: Proof that Meyer has never been stalked.

Naruto: Go away, before I eat you.

Sasuke: Puss. Team Mike is much more realistic.

Megagamer: And Team Tyler's Van is even more realistic.

Sasuke: Ditto.

Naruto: Get out! (Throws the antis out into the street, where they fell into the sewers like the rats Stephenie thinks they are)

Hinata: I was with Jessica…

Naruto: Forget about her. I'm going to keep you from your friends in Eclipse anyway. Might as well get in some practice.

Hinata: Stuff in Breaking Dawn?

Naruto: Nope. What happens in Breaking Dawn… should stay in Meyer's sick little head. Anyway, I'm going to force you to come to dinner with me.

Hinata: Yay for anti-Feminism!

Waiter: Sorry, we don't serve Vampires.

Hinata: Anyway, Naruto, just what are you?

Naruto: I thought Stephenie hated blondes?

Megagamer: That was a horrible joke. I don't think she hates them.

Sasuke: Speak for yourself Every Blonde character is shown in a negative light.

Naruto: Why are you following us?

Megagamer: Meyer's character depth is about as deep as a kiddie pool.

Sasuke: For the idiots that there, that's really shallow.

Megagamer: So basically, we have nowhere else to go.

Naruto: …

End of chapter


	4. Boom!

Chapter 3

Knocking out fangirls

Hinata was now officially a fangirl. Crap. Get out the bazooka's everyone!

She had not trained in weeks, and she was a mess. She had gained fifty pounds, would not stop writing horrible fanfiction, and had rings under her eyes, and this odd behavior wasn't stopping.

Neji, being the concerned cousin that he was, was contemplating how to knock Hinata out of this recent… outbreak.

"_What do I do?I need to make her see that Naruto might love her for who is, not who she wishes she was. What should I do? What should I do?"_

Hinata, was typing another shitty one-shot. Prepare for your eyes to bleed.

**By: NARUHINA4EVAH!**

**Title: Nararuro luvs hinota an on eno els!**

**Summary: Sinc Naruta isnt ni luv wit the uchaiwa, eh gos 2 liv wit Hianta an dey fuk! Naurhani, NaruHina, HianNaru, cuz she cans b domamant! **

**Rating: M**

**Romance/Adventure/Action**

Yeh, sew Hinato an Naruta wkal don deh stret loking all sexah, cuz that's tru luv! Eh DAZZLED her, cuz eh was DAT SEXY! Nto 1 asepct of hmi cuold b imprvoed uupon!

;Hinato, i must el u, I ma a vampire!; naruta explanined. Hinato gapsed.

;dat mans u are suposed 2 b a monster! Butt A luv u anywayass!;

"Les't go hom and have unlimted sex!;

,.amnsldkjadsl

(That is presumed to mean, end of chapter)

_Reviews for: _**Nararuro luvs hinota an on eno els!**

_Edward Cullen: No, seriously, you need help. And I intend to help you, cousin. (I'm actually Neji, so what? Bolero called me out… I'm going to kick your ass!)_

_Apollo: Hmmmm… PHAIL! I'm sorry for the outburst of immaturity, but… it seems to be the only language you understand._

_Megagamer200: What? Naruto's a vampire? The suspense is killing me! This it just like twilight! _

_(If you forgot, I hate Twilight.)_

………………………………………………….

**By: BoomBoomBoom!**

**Title: Art!**

**Summary: Deidara decides to blow up the Fifth Hokage's face on the Konoha mountain, however, he didn't realize the consequences… DeidaraShizune pairing.**

**Rating: T**

**Romance/Drama**

A/N: Hey, BoomBoomBoom! Here. I'd like to point out that I can't write lemons worth crap. Which is why there will no lemons in this story. At all. Let's go.

Chapter start!

Deidara unfortunately, got drunk. Again. In a drunken wander around scene eerily similar to Conker's Bad Fur Day, he eventually arrived at Konoha.

"Hey, you! What are you doing-"

Boom.

Deidara blew the guard up without even thinking about it. His guts made a huge stain in that stupid wall.

Deidara walked on.

"Where the hell am I? Meh. It looks pretty familiar." Deidara muttered as he wandered through the village.

Then he saw what some morons could describe as 'art.'

"See, kids? This monument is dedicated to our kickass Hokages, who Pwn everyone." A nearby father told his children.

"Maybe we should make it go Boom!" The Child innocently asked.

"That's just plain stupid. Art shouldn't be violated like that!"

"What! How dare you neglect a child's need for art!" Deidara fumed. "I'm going to give that kid a show!"

A little while later…

Tsunade was also being a drunken bitch, lying on her desk, snoring. Shizune burst in.

"Tsunade-Sama! Someone exploded your face!"

"What?" Tsunade asked sleepily as she woke up. "I was having a nice nap…"

"Someone destroyed your face on the Hokage monument!"

"WTF?" Tsunade roared. "Who did it?"

"We don't know!" Shizune confessed.

"Boom! How's this for art, bitches? Hahahahahahahahahahaha!" Deidara screamed as he flew around Konoha on that awesome bird of his, throwing bombs at buildings, people, any form of fake art, and more people.

"Who could it have been?" Tsunade wondered.

Shizune fell over.

"That's it, I'm going to deal with him myself!" Shizune screamed as she left the office.

A tumbleweed blew through the office.

"Well, might as well…" Tsunade grabbed some sake, drank the whole bottle, and was asleep again in thirty seconds.

End of chapter!

_reviews for: Art!_

_Cherry Blossoms: Who the hell is Deidara?_

_Megagamer200: Haha…I wish it was a bit longer, but still pretty enjoyable. _

_Apollo: The Hokage tower is better protected than that. You could at least have described some Shinobi trying to stop him._

_ThePuppetMaster: Pathetic. Your art sucks!_

……………………………………………………_._

**By: Bolero of Vengeance**

**Title: Interviewing the Twilighters… Sasuke style!**

**Summary: Co-written with Megagamer200. Sasuke decides to bring the Twilight characters to Konoha to interview them on what they think of the books. Of course, several odd things pop up… Rated for Breaking Dawn spoilers.**

**Rating: M**

**Humor/Romance**

"How are all you doing this evening?" Megagamer asked the crowd cheerfully. "Out of sheer boredom, Bolero and I decided to fund this little public interview of the Twilight cast."

The crowd's reaction varied. Some screamed "We luv U Edward!" Others yelled 'B our Submisive bithc Bella!" And still others, "DIE TWILIGHT DIE!"

"Here's our Local Konoha guest host for this evening… Sasuke Uchiha!" Megagamer announced.

"Thank you, Megagamer." Sasuke said politely. "I hope this interview is productive."

"Wait, where's Bolero?" Megagamer asked with a confused frown.

"uhhhh… The bathroom. He should return shortly." Sasuke said vaguely.

"Is he crazy?" Megagamer asked in disbelief. "The fangirls have been getting through our defenses like crazy! He could get jumped! I'm going to go find him." Megagamer promptly left.

"Okay…" Sasuke frowned. "Anyway, our first interviewee, Who some Anti's claim is the only good character in the series (Before BD anyway) Jacob Black!"

"Hi." Jacob said uncertainly.

"So, Jacob, our first question. Why did you become such an asshole in Eclipse?"

"Because Meyer made me." Jacob said defensively.

"Even though your relationship with Bella in New Moon is arguably the most romantic portion of the series?"

"I don't know what your talking about." Jacob said. "If she wanted to be with Edward, it must have been he had something I didn't. I just assumed it had something to do with romancing skills. She also told me she loved him. Remember the whole Eclipse thing? "I love Edward. Not just because of his looks, but because-"

"That's Bullshit." Sasuke interrupted. "She says she loves Edward's personilty and not just his looks, but she never, ever, ever, ever mentioned it before that. It was always 'Edward's so hot.' For four fucking books. Meyer just inserted that in to make it look like that their relationship was deeper than what it is."

"And what would that be?" Jacob asked.

"Lust." Sasuke answered simply. "The whole book series points to Edward and Bella lusting for each other. Edward to Bella because of her smell, and Bella's attraction to Edward is simply looks. And abs. Plus he has money. But I digress. Next question: What do think of the ending of Breaking Dawn?"

"Ummmm…. I'm not comfortable talking about that." Jacob said nervously. "Quite honestly, that's creepy even to me."

"Then why the hell did you do it?"

"I don't know!" Jacob snapped. "Meyer says it's a wolf thing, but Imprinting is a trait most commonly found in birds."

"Okay, last question: Do you believe Meyer is actually Bella?"

"Haha… If I told you that, I'd be screwed."

"We'll take that as a yes. Thank you for your time, Mr. Black." Sasuke said politely.

"Your welcome. You can call on me anytime. I'll always be happy to help." Jacob said brightly. He then muttered, "Anything that will get me away from Renessmee."

Jacob left the stage.

"Allright…" Sasuke said, scanning the list. "Crap… Twilight's plotlessness means besides Edward and Bella, there really isn't anyone to interview. Hang on… Yeah! That'll work. Jessica! Come on stage!"

Jessica came on stage. Off topic: She was hotter than Bella. Though not as hot as Sakura. Hmmmmm… Sakura…

"So? What did you want to ask me?" She asked.

"Huh?" Sasuke started. "Oh yeah… First question: Why do you think the fans think you're a bitch?"

"Because Bella calls me a bitch behind my back." Jessica scowled.

"If you have so many issues with her, why don't you call off your friendship? If she's being a bitch to you, wouldn't normal people just stop trying to be nice?"

"That's true." Jessica said, nodding. "However, Bella is a Mary-Sue. So of course I have to be nice to her."

"What's your opinion on Bella and Edward's relationship?"

"Not right. Why did she care about him so much anyway? What attracted him to her?"

"Meyer says her smell." Sasuke said slowly.

"That's stupid. It's not like Edward is a crappy Faerie like vampire."

"…"

"Anyway, I don't see any chemistry between them." Jessica finished.

"Well, thank you for your time." Sasuke said politely.

"I'll see you later… Own that bitch Bella for me!" Jessica called as she left the stage.

"Finally… Edward Cullen and Stephenie Meyer!"

Edward and Bella walked on stage.

"My name's not Stephenie." Bella said confusedly. "Unless you changed it for my, my lion?"

"No, I didn't. Because your name fits you O beauteous one." Edward replied.

"SHUT UP!" Sasuke screamed. "I'm sick of your crappy romance! Your even worse than those NaruHina authors!"

"Ummm… Uchiha-san?" A stage guy asked nervously. "We're out of time…"

**So join us next time as we own Bella and her boy toy!**

End of chapter

………………………………………………..

_And so, Sasuke promised to leave behind his ninja ways, to spend the rest of his life living quietly with Sakura. But if the need arises will he keep his promise? Living a life of peace is a hard thing to ask of a warrior…_

……………………………………………………..


	5. A plot? About Fanfiction?

Chapter 5

Finally… a plot!

………………………

Neji decided to do the most idiotic thing he had ever done in his life.

Ask for help… over the internet.

_To: Bolero of Vengeance_

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Allright, I'm Neji Hyuuga. I have no idea who you are or where you come from, but Hinata needs help. She's basically going all emo and shit. And…. How should I put this… she's a Twilight fan._

Neji ignored the screams from upstairs issuing from Hinata's room, where she was on the some batshit insane Twilght fansite that bans anyone who doesn't worship the books like a bible (Like the Lexicon, HisGoldenEyes, and BellandEdward) ranting about how Naruto was much…. Bigger and better than Edward would ever be.

_Anyway, she's also writing fanfics under the screamname NARUHINA4EVAH! You've flamed her before. I need some advice._

……………………_.._

**By: KibaHinaiscanon**

**Title: HinaKibaHana**

**Summary: Kiba is a dominant primordial beast, so it's like he's wearing AXE. Threesome! And I mean Hanabi, dumbasses. Lemons!**

**Category: Romance**

**Rating: M**

Kiba pounded away at Hinata and Hanabi together at the same time because he's just that good at it.

"Oh Kiba" Hinata blushed. "You much better in bed than Naruto-baka. He with Sakura now"

"Yay!" Hanabi squeled.

"true, true…" Kiba muttered

MORAL OF STORY

Hinata belongs to Kiba, because Kiba is a sex machine. And Hanabi too, for a bit more money.

End of fic

5 Reviews for: HinaKibaHana

_Chuck Norris: I disapprove of this. Touch them, and I'll roundhouse your ass off! Hiyah!_

_Edward Cullen: Little bitch… how could you do that to them? If I find you in real life, I'm going to kill you._

_Founder of the Dawn: What a dumbass. This story is poorly written, the relationship has no depth to it, and __The Call of the Wild __reference was clever, but that was it. All in all, you suck… in bed._

_Icy Feminist: … I seriously disapprove of polygamy. _

_Megagamer200: Screw you! Screw Threesomes! Screw harems! Screw all of this unromantic crap that's on this site!_

………………_.._

Kiba giggled as he typed his next 'KibaHinarandomgirl' one-shot which he thought was 'romantic.' What a bastard.

"Bwahaha! When Hinata reads this and realizes how big I am, she'll want to go out with me!" Kiba cackled. "Those flamers don't know ANYTHING!" He opened his E-mail, and realized he had received a PM.

"What's this…" Kiba muttered as he scanned the PM

_Hello, you can call me your worst nightmare!_

_Chuck Norris_

"Stupid spam mail." Kiba seethed as he deleted it. "Some Noob using his Haxxors skillz to impersonate Chuck Norris…" Kiba then turned around…

And was slammed into the wall.

"WTF?" Kiba muttered. A shadow fell across him. He looked up…

"Oh shit." He muttered.

…………………………….

"So… what happened, exactly?" Sakura asked Kiba as he lay on the hospital bed.

"I don't want to talk about it." Kiba said flatly. His entire body was covered in bandages, his arms and his legs were broken, along with five of his ribs.

….

Yeah, I don't know how he survived either.

"Then how did you get so… beat up?" Sakura asked. Then her eyes narrowed. "You weren't peeping in the hot springs, were you?"

"I do that all the time and never get caught." Kiba answered. "Anyway, I got attacked after-"

"You WHAT!" Sakura roared, causing the whole building to shake.

"Oh shit." Kiba said for the second time that day.

……………………………

**By: Chuck Norris**

**Title: Defy these laws, and you will die**

**Summary: See title. Rated for the awesomeness of Chuck Norris.**

**Rating: Chuck (Which is about 9467 times higher than X)**

**Truth/Justice**

These are the new laws of FF. net that I expect to be followed. If not… I'll do what I did to poor little Kiba.

One: Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, say SasuHina is canon. If you do, someone's going to die. By someone, I mean you.

Two: Harems with shitty fantasys such as 'let's share him!' Are not realistic, no matter how much the author wishes it were. Several girls fighting over the same guy however, is realistic, if written correctly.

Three: If I was a Ninja, I'd Pwn you all. Even Madara. I can divide by Zero, bitch!

Four: Stories focused around OC's are not cool, unless they're a joke like most of Megagamer's work. OC's, if written well, can be very interesting story developments. However, very, very few Fanfiction authors are good enough for this.

Five: If something based on mythology only shares one of two characteristics with that creature, than it's not mythology based. You made up your own race, dumbass.

Six: Good romances don't happen in three weeks. That's more like lust.

Seven: If you contradict yourself slightly, that's fine. This is fanfiction, and even the best of authors screw up. However, if you contradict yourself every other chapter, and try to shove it off with a stupid excuse such as "It's fantasy, I can do what I want" then you're a dumbass who can't write.

Eight: If anyone, ANYONE, decides to pair Hinata up with someone random because her awesome, man-attracting sexiness gets in the way of Naruto and Sakura's twu luv… your going to die.

........................

_Reviews for: Defy these laws, and you will die_

_Megagamer200: What are these, the eight commandments of Norrisism?_

_Re from Chuck Norris: If you look at it that way, yes._

_CherryBlossoms: Hang on… you did that to Kiba? Grrrr… you made me give him a concussion! _

_Weasel-Sama: Haha… I can think of a published author who doesn't follow these rules. Goes to show she'd be a bad fanfiction writer too. _

_Re: That means that if something's popular, that doesn't make it good!_

…………………

**Chapter 2 of the Twilight Interview!**

"And we're back!" Sasuke announced. "I'm Sasuke, and this is Megagamer-"

"Ah, shit. I got somewhere to be. I'll see you next time!" Megagamer ran out.

"Okay…" Sasuke frowned. "Anyway, as much as we would like to invite Meyer herself over here, that would be against FF . Net guidelines and it probably wouldn't be accurate. Then again, there's evidence she doesn't think when she answers interviews, but that's beside the point. Our first interviewee is…"

"Me!" Count Dracula suddenly appeared in a burst of flames and sat down on the chair. "Interview me, or else!"

"I'm… sorry, Mr. Count." Sasuke said politely. "But as you can see, you're not in Twilight, because you're an actual vampire."

"I hear the mythology of Twilght is slightly inaccurate. I haven't read the book yet." Dracula admitted. "How inaccurate is it?"

"Pretty damn inaccurate." Sasuke told him. "So inaccurate, you apparently don't even exist."

"So… can we go to this 'Forks' and see what is so inaccurate about this series?" Dracula asked.

"Sure, why not."

Forks

"It's cloudy Count."

"So?" Dracula asked impatiently.

"So, why do you have you cloak on?"

"It's sunny out."

"Exactly!"

"Excuse me?"

"Meyer chose this town because it rains a lot, and she just assumed it was cloudy and dark all the time. (Which if you check the weather for Forks, is not true at all) However, her vampires can go out in daylight as long as the sun doesn't directly hit them. The clouds apparently block it."

"I'm a powerful vampire, and even I don't like being out in the sun." The count confessed. "The Cullens seem to much like pussys to have that sort of power."

"Yeah, well, these guys don't make sense. Let's go to their High school."

High School

"So, Jasper goes to school here? Even though he's technically not in control of his bloodlust? That's pretty stupid." Dracula remarked.

"Oh yeah." Sasuke nodded. "There are a few better alternatives. Tutors, home schooling, the like."

"So… about this thing called… Nessie, is she like… Alucard?"

"Nope. Alucard, if you bother to research him, makes sense. Nessie defies logic. Edward's body is made of freaking poison, and he managed to knock Bella up which makes no sense at all."

"How interesting… what do you call this phenomon?"

"Mary-Sue-ness."


	6. I'm so bad

**Title: Aren't I a clever bastard?**

**Author: Megagamer200**

**Summary: I'm so clever. Understand what I'm doing and you get a cookie. **

**Rating: T**

**Action/Adventure/ Romance**

The man was in his thirties now. A Jounin. Normally, he would be running missions for Hokage-Sama, or just drinking. Instead, he was doing something that no one else thought he would actually do.

Read his favorite book of all time to his nephew.

The man knocked on the door. His sister opened it. Her odd pale eyes shone with joy.

"Oh, Arashi. You're here."

"Yeah, yeah." Arashi said dismissively as he stepped inside his sister's home. "Where's the kid?"

"Upstairs." She said.

"Do you want to listen in, Hikairi? You love this book just as much as I do."

"It's the only book you ever liked Arashi." Hikairi said. "Hopefully he'll love it too."

"He will." Arashi said confidently as he walked up the stairs. "If he doesn't, I'll make him."

"Oh that's really funny Arashi." Hikairi said sarcastically. "He's a bit you like and Dad. Extremely stubborn. I'll bet you anything he say he doesn't think he'll like it, but then gets caught up in the story, like you did."

"I'd take that bet. But I know I'll lose. I'll tell you how it goes later." Arashi said as he climbed the last stairs. He found his Nephews room, and like the ninja he is, kicked it down.

"Hey, kid!" Arashi said with a big smile as he sat down on the chair next to his nephew. "Having a rough day?"

"I'm sick, Uncle." The Nephew said flatly. "Of course I'm having a bad day."

"Yeah. Anyway, I brought something for you." Arashi said as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a badly wrapped package. "Enjoy."

The Nephew tore eagerly at the package, only to discover it was something he remotely disliked.

"It's a book." He said flatly. Arashi chuckled.

"Not just any book. It's a book that was read to me and your mom when we were sick. It'll do you wonders. Believe me."

"So… it has ninja's in it right?" The Nephew asked. Arashi chuckled.

"Not the pussy ninja's kids your age think up. No, these are real, bloodthirsty ninjas. Of course, that alone doesn't make this story great." He leaned back in his chair. "Passion. Miracles. Good men. Bad men. True Love. Torture. It's a piece of art!"

"Yeah, you turned me off at 'passion' I don't think I'll like it."

"Yeah, well, since you're sick, I'm just going to read it to you." He picked up the book from the nephews lab.

"Yeah. Sure. I'll try to stay awake." The Nephew said as he put his head on his pillow and closed his eyes.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence." Arashi muttered before opening the book.

"Ahem…"

**The Princess Bride**

**Chapter 1**

**The Bride**

People believe you choose True Love. That you can just find someone sexy and beautiful and just go "Oh Marry me!" And your desired partner would go "Oh yes! I love you so much! Let's go have sex!"

True Love isn't like that at all.

True Love is when you feel that you would do anything to make someone reach his/her true potential. Actually, not really. But that's the best way I can describe it. Love is many things. Not all of them are logical.

Hinata Hyuuga loved Naruto Uzamaki.

See? A girl who completely fell in love with someone who is almost nothing like her. She's shy. He's outspoken. She thought before she spoke. He spoke his mind. She was royalty.

He was trash.

She loved him. Totally. Don't ask why. Like I said before, there really wasn't any one clear reason you could put your finger on. It most definitely started with respect. Naruto was able to take verbal blows and shrug them off whereas Hinata's confidence was shattered.

As she got older…

He defended her. He told her that they could be friends.

He didn't know she wanted to be more than that.

She knew she had a crush on him.

He had left for a training journey. She wanted to say good-bye. But… she was so scared of rejection…

When he returned three years later-

....................................................................................................

"Hold Up." The Nephew said irritably. "Who goes on a training trip for three damn years? And when is it going to get good?" Arashi punched him on the head.

"I don't mind you using that language, but if your mom found out, she'd probably kill me. Anyway, I never liked this part either. It basically just explains Hinata's feelings."

The Nephew frowned.

"So… she's the princess?"

"Obviously, dumbass. If you don't have any more complaints, I'd like to continue reading." With that, Arashi looked back at the book…

A/N: See, this is something I intend to finish and put in a one-shot.

_4 reviews for: Aren't I a clever bastard?_

_Weasel-Sama: What? This is a parody of the Princess Bride…_

_CherryBlossoms: Damn it! I don't get it! Argh…_

_RamenHokage: So this is about Naruto and Hinata… It's pretty good actually. I think I see where this is going…_

_Bolero of Vengeance: Hahaha… Finish this. This will help in this project I'm working on…_

"Kukuku… You pedophiles won't know what's coming!" Orochimaru cackled, as he sent in his fanfic.

**Title: Why Shinobi don't use AXE.**

**By: Lord Voldemort**

**Summary: Sasuke gets pissed off at Hiashi trying to hook him up with Hinata. So he gives Naruto some AXE. Hahaha. Lucky bastard. SasuHarem (All females) YAOI bashing. Rated for sexual references and… other things. **

"… I am so pissed off." I said angrily. Sakura looked at my funny.

"About what Sasuke-kun?" She asked.

That's right. Me, Sasuke Uchiha, was on a date. With Sakura. In Konaha.

Yep. I was back.

"Hiashi tried to hook me up with Hinata. Again." I said in that 'I-hate-him-so-much-voice.'

"He… did what? He tried to do this before? When?" Sakura asked anxiously.

"Plenty of times. Even when I started dating you." I answered.

Sakura frowned. I continued.

"It's probably because he wants the Uchiha under his power. Since I'm the only Uchiha in Konoha, he wants me to marry- or at least have a child with- Hinata. It's stupid. He probably thinks the Sharingan and Byagugan will combine to form a new kickass doujutsu."

"Well… Just don't… do anything reckless." Sakura said warningly. "Hiashi is a very powerful man."

"I won't." I promised. "There's only one way to get that little turd of my back…"

"Do you mean…" Sakura began, but I cut her off.

"Yes! I'm going to try to hook Naruto and Hinata up!" I shouted, and then I stood up on the chair, pointing a finger to the sky.

"Sasuke, are you on something?" Sakura asked. I sat back down quickly.

"No. At least I don't think so… I think I may have smelled the awesome xtreme Excalibur Uchiha thing earlier." I babbled. Sakura felt my forehead, and her hands turned green. She frowned.

"You inhaled something. Go home and get some rest. We'll talk about getting Naruto and Hinata together tommarow." She said firmly.

"Okay… sure." I said. I suddenly got very dizzy and had to sit back down. Sakura sighed.

"Fine… I'll walk you home…"

The next day, I was feeling much better. So much better in fact, I decided to begin planning on how to get Naruto to notice Hinata. I opened the Uchiha vault, (Where is that? I'm not telling you!) And searched for the one thing that made all the girls at the academy go nuts.

AXE.

I had stopped using it when I was about nine. It was… irritating. How could I think about ways to kill my bastard of a brother when there were girls trying to have sex with me? So I had put the stuff back where I had found it, and left it there. I had a feeling it would become VERY useful later on… (I considered wearing it last night, but decided not to, for various reasons. I did inhale it though, that must have been what made my head so fuzzy.)

And now my heart belongs to Sakura. I couldn't do that to her (Having a harem I mean) It wouldn't work out. Plus she'd probably kill me. I selected one of the cans of AXE and flipped it off the rack expertly. I caught it and examined it. I could never remember which brand did what, but since it was pretty much the same thing, it would have to do.

As I closed the vault door, I realized that Hinata was the only girl who never wanted to be… really, really, close. I briefly wondered why. At first I thought it was because she was a lesbian or something. But that didn't make sense, because she was always staring at Naruto. Unless there's something he's not telling us, she's definitely straight. I decided it was because she thought I was too emo for her… or something. Yeah. Whatever.

I broke into Naruto's apartment building no problem. I saw graffiti spelling shit like 'Die Naruto!' and 'You suck, deadlast!' There was also one that said. 'Naruto- I love you- Sasuke' Wait… Who did that? Dirty Bastards! I'll kick your ass's! After attempting to discover who did that, I figured out it was some crazy fangirl. Wait… People think I'm GAY! For NARUTO! That is SO wrong, on so many levels…

I shook the thoughts out of my head; I erased the stupid graffiti, and proceeded to head to Naruto's apartment. I tried the doorknob. It was locked. Good. This makes me seem cooler. With a loud, YAHHH! I kicked down the door. Hmmm… That wasn't like me. Maybe that AXE I accidentally inhaled screwed with me more than I thought. I burst into the room.

It was messy. Of Course, this is Naruto we're talking about. There were bowls of instant ramen everywhere. I knew Naruto wasn't currently home, but I also had no idea when he'd be back. So… I simply put the AXE in his bathroom. With a note on it. I grinned as I remembered what I had put on the note.

_Dear Naruto-san,_

_It has become apparent that several insane teenage girls are pairing you with guys, girls you don't particularly care about, and other things you never met. This stuff is guarenteered to end your misery forever._

_Sincerely,_

_Ekusas_

Great. Now I knew something was wrong with me. I mean, I didn't even bother coming up with a proper alias, and my letter was extremely… weird. Ah well. It would work. I snuck out the back window I decided to break it just for kicks, then I jumped out the window laughing my head off.

One: I am insane at the moment.

Two: This is going to be GOOD.

I woke with my head feeling… clear. Like I was cured of a potentially dangerous disease or something. Then I remembered what I did last night.

Oh shit.

No, I didn't get laid or anything. I just remembered I gave Naruto the AXE…

And didn't even steer him toward the direction of Hinata.

Well shit.

I had no choice. I decided to find Naruto. If he didn't put it on, fine, if he did… Jiariyia would have a field day.

First things first: I needed to find Naruto. STAT.

I was running to Naruto's apartment pretty dang fast when I ran into…

Kurenai, Shino, and Kiba.

Crap.

I skidded to a halt.

"Hey Sasuke." Kiba greeted. "How ya been?"

"Uhhhh… I'm fine… Listen- I gotta-"

"We were just going to Ichiraku's. Wanna come?" Kurenai asked.

"No thank you. I… got somewhere I gotta be… well, bye." I took off running again.

I reached Naruto's apartment and was about to bang on the door when…

"Sasuke." Using my mad ninja skillz, I turned around and prepared to beat the shit outta that stalker. But I stopped when I saw who it was.

"You guys followed me?" I asked.

Kiba nodded. "We thought you were acting suspiciously, so we followed. We also saw the most interesting thing downstairs. He put on a singsong voice. "Oh Naruto, I may be sexy, but I don't know love without you.- Sasuke. Now we find you up here. Cheating on Sakura for Naruto are we?"

"Kurenai went to go get her." Shino ansewered my unasked question.

"… Shit." I said. Silence.

"Hey wait a minute! Why does everyone think I'm gay anyway?" I demanded.

"You ran off to Orochimaru, Dumbass." Kiba reminded me. I frowned.

"Yeah… I remember that now…" That reminded me, the only reason I ran off to that Micheal Jackson wanna-be was to kill Itachi. Note to self: Fifty year old snake people are not to be trusted.

"Damn straight!" Harry Potter shouted. We all stared at him.

"Errr… I'm on vacation…" He said awkwardly.

"Right… Leave, before we kick your ass." I threatened. Harry shrugged and left. I turned back to Kiba and Shino.

"So… where were we?" I asked.

"The part where we beat the crap out of you for cheating on Sakura for Naruto." Kiba spat. "On the bright side, since Naruto is gay, Hinata is mine! Yay!"

"Allright. Sasuke. Prepare to get-" Before Shino could finish his semi-badass pre-battle speech, Kiba hit me. I flew threw the wall and ended up in Naruto's apartment.

15 seconds later

"There's a reason all the fans think I'm overpowered!" I said trimphuinatly as Shino and Kiba lay groaning on the ground.

"Bastard…" Kiba threw a Kunai at me. I dodged, and it flew into the bathroom.

I then heard a hissing sound.

I turned around to look, but then Kiba launched himself at me. He tried to grab me, but I had beat the crap out of him so much he opted to shove me instead.

Into the bathroom.

I looked around to identify the hissing sound, and guess what? The AXE: Body spray can was hit by the kunai, and it was spraying.

At me.

I expertly jumped back out, but I knew it was too late. That stuff got all over me. This… could be bad.

………………….

_6 Reviews for: Why Shinobi don't use AXE._

_Bolero of Vengeance: No comment. Except I hope Sakura is in this little harem. Hmmmm… Sakura…_

_Icy Feminist: Harems suck ass. I hate you. _

_Megagamer200: Haha… This has potential. Keep it up!_

_CherryBlossoms: What? If this actually happened, Sakura would kick Sasuke's ass for being a pimp._

_RE from Megagamer200: What, you mean being Kinky?_

_RE From CherryBlossoms: Fuck you!_

_Re from Megagamer200: More like fuck Sasuke…_

_Destiny: You're a good author. However, Fate has already decreed women are equal to men, so I should berate you…_

_Chuck Norris: What? Hiashi is too badass to simply try and marry Hinata off! He could at least marry her off to someone who is actually cool… like, say, an OC that sucks ass. Just kidding. _


	7. Chapter 7

Hiashi chuckled as he sent his most recent tro-

Holy Shit!

"Bwahaha… Soon, the Namikaze clan and the Hyuuga clan shall be one!" He cackled gleefully.

Well, that's odd. Bet ya never seen that plot twist coming!

….

Kiba was typing his most recent piece of crap. Let's spare the details, this is it in a nutshell: Mindless KibaHina, usually with a random third girl. Bastard.

"Haha! Only my super huge penis could conjure up such amazing stories!" Kiba cackled.

Right….

…

**By: Icy Feminist**

**Title: Why he survived**

**Summary: How the most amazing anti-hero ever didn't die. **

**Tragedy/Family**

"Roah!" Naruto amazingly punched my lights out with that weird red chakra.

Well shit.

I crashed through the mirrors, and somehow regained my balance. My mask was broken, it was falling off my face.

He ran towards me.

I knew he was going to kill me.

My mask fell off enough to reveal my face.

He stopped.

"You- You're-"

…

MICROSOFT WINDOWS HAS DETECTED AN ERROR. CLOSING MICROSOFT WORD. WE ARE SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.

"Damn it!" Haku screamed as he pounded his fist into the keyboard. "How the hell am I supposed to imply that I'm still alive if this shit won't work?"

….

Sasuke checked his e-mail and discovered something shocking.

"Damn!" He cursed.

And with good reason. Several shitty stories had been posted on his account. That could mean only one thing.

He had been hacked.

"My reputation is screwed…" Sasuke muttered.

**Title: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLROFLMAOLOL!**

**Summary: Dis is what happens wen yoo mes wit twilight! ROFLROLOLOOLROOMADOAFU!**

**Rating: T**

**Characters: Edward/OC**

O, Ediekins, fuc mefaser!" I scemed. Mai etarnel luver 4ever compleieed. Ten, the kempewter spited out on E-mial! Ti siad, a tatol NEWB wuz saying carp abourt the must amazingness bok evor, TWILIGHT. Whic is ho i meet edie. Anwayz, edwurd PWNZ taht newb using his L33T HAXXOR PWERS, and tehn we fuked.

The End

Sasuke blinked. This had to be a troll.

Right?

…

**Title: Hokage**

**Author: Ramen Hokage**

**Summary: A song I wrote that tells of my dreams, Believe it!**

**Rating: T**

_I'm through with waiting in line,_

_To ramen stands I'll never be let in,_

_It's the most depressing part of my life_

_Even more depressing then seeing Death's Scyth!_

_**Tell me What you want.**_

_I want a big bad house with lots of noodles,_

_Gonna date all the models with the stupid poodles,_

_I want a, good teacher so I can kick ass,_

_And hopefully find a really pretty lass!_

_**Tell me what you need**_

_I need, to know a bazillion Jutsu's, _

_So I can kick away with kicking m neighbor's Shitzu,_

_Going to join the others on the American monument rip-off._

_**How are you going to do it?**_

_I'm going to trade this life for being respected,_

_I'm tired of being emotionall neglected!_

_Well, I just wanna be a big ass leader,_

_And…alsdnS:Lkdna;lnf_

_Alsk;dfnsadfl;nasdf_

_Als;kd;laksjdf;lajs'df_

_Alks;fjsadfjas;lfj_

…

"What the hell?" Naruto demanded as he pounded his keyboard. I was working on my song, dammit!"

"It was pretty bad. So maybe this is a good thing."

"Oh Shut up."

…

"Alright, I need to get my internet rep up so people will read my stories." Kiba muttered.

"Then they will realize that KibaHinarandomgirleveryothertime is canon! But how shall I…

He then noticed two stories that looked almost exactly the same.

'That's it!" He cackled. "I'll borrow other people's works!"

And So he copied the greatest Naruto Satire of All Time, 'The Truth.'

Now, the Author of 'The Truth' is a Leet computer hacker with no girls. So, Obviously, it had a virus attached.

…


End file.
